Peta Murgatroyd has been sharing her in vitro fertilization journey with fans for months via Instagram, and unfortunately it didn’t end on a happy note. The professional dancer shared the news that her embryo transfer was unsuccessful in a heartbreaking video and equally emotional message.
“I promised you all that I would be open and honest. I had times where I was unsure of that decision throughout my IVF journey and even more so after we got the news that our transfer did not work,” she wrote. “But going back on my word after being such an open book wouldn’t be right.”
At the beginning of the video, Murgatroyd looks deliriously happy as the doctors show her the embryo before the transfer. But that joy quickly turned to sorrow. “One of the happiest days of my life, and then 10 days later one of the saddest moments I’ll never forget,” she continued her message. “Standing on the side of the road in West Hollywood, hoping for the best….thinking this was MY time, my turn for happiness.’ Life is funny though. When you think you got it figured out, it slaps you in the face and makes you start over.”
This was the 36-year-old and her husband Maks Chmerkovskiy’s first try at IVF after doctors told Murgatroyd they believe she suffers from polycystic ovary syndrome—a hormonal imbalance that can cause ovulation issues and lead to infertility. At the beginning of the process, she said it was the first time she felt hopeful in two years.
“I can barely watch the part where I have to verify my name and DOB,” she admitted. “ It was so hard to rewatch it and cut this video. That part was a moment in time where I saw my baby. It felt final, it felt like this was it….that was my baby..and I got a little preview of them at the earliest stage of their life. It felt other-worldly special, I felt privileged.”
Related: Amy Schumer shares just how difficult IVF can be
“I really did think that this was going to work,” Murgatroyd added. “Looking into Maks eyes as he was crying, seeing our baby together…just made this experience so worth it even though it didn’t turn out how we had hoped.”
According to the CDC, 55% of IVF patients give live-birth deliveries after the first egg retrieval. This number can vary depending on age, but the grueling process of IVF makes an unsuccessful transfer that much more painful.
Murgatroyd is grieving, but assured fans she has “taken the necessary steps to start the healing process. To sit in my feelings, and feel what I need to, to start moving forward with an open heart.” In the video, she detailed learning to surf with her 5-year-old son Shai—an activity she said made her feel “alive again.”
Related: What *not* to say to someone going through IVF (and what to say instead)
In June, the Dancing With the Stars pro revealed she suffered her third miscarriage, which began her IVF journey. And she’s not giving up.
“I will get my baby, just not right now,” she concluded her message. “And to all the women who have gone through this multiple times over, I bow down. You’re warriors and you give me strength everyday. This s–t ain’t easy.”